Potty training: A post-mortem

Published in Motherly on July 16, 2024

Introduction

Day 2 of potty training was a disaster. 

Everyone was burnt out. Our toddler avoided the bathroom. My husband and I were exhausted from cleaning up accidents and were arguing. 

We started the three-day potty training process with our 2.5 year old the day before. Things started off well, then fell apart. We couldn’t believe how hard the process was.

That night, I reflected on what went wrong. I dreaded going into Day 3, when I remembered an exercise I used at work to get through similar situations of crisis. 

The post-mortem analysis. 

I’ve managed health programs and technology solutions. The goal was to ensure successful launches, but incidents or customer escalations were inevitable. 

Post-mortems, or retrospective reviews, brought the team back together when things went wrong. We discussed what went well and what didn’t. It was highly effective at making things smoother the next time around. 

So I applied this framework to potty training. My husband and I weren’t ready to give up, but we had to make things better.

The Reflection

Our goal for Day 3 was to help our daughter regain her confidence and have fewer accidents.

I reviewed our log of when she peed and pooped. I documented what happened before, during, and after the biggest accidents.

What Went Well

Despite the challenges, we had a lot to celebrate. 

Our toddler learned a completely new skill. Within two hours of starting, she peed in the potty. 

That meant completing a number of steps: recognizing the urge, telling us she had to go, getting to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, peeing, wiping, pulling up her underwear, flushing, and washing her hands. 

My husband and I tackled this milestone while adjusting to life with two young kids, including a 4 month old. We couldn’t wait any longer since our toddler seemed ready for weeks. 

Planning also made things less painful. We had the right supplies ready when we needed it—underwear, puppy pads, spray cleaner, and lots of juice. She was excited when we took out new toys we borrowed from friends. She loved getting teddy grahams after using the potty.

What Didn’t

The hardest part was seeing our daughter struggle. She’s normally confident and ambitious. But that day, she experienced shame, embarrassment, and fear. 

And then there were the accidents. They happened so fast. My husband and I focused so much on cleaning up that we overlooked the psychological impact on our daughter.  

I reviewed the most distressing times for her and the worst accidents to find the root causes. 

First, being cooped up in the house drove us all crazy. 

Second, the bathroom became a place of stress. There were a lot of orders: DON’T touch the inside of the toilet, DON’T flush too many times, wash your hands. My husband and I panicked after accidents, which made her even more dysregulated. She was also uncomfortable at the sight of her own poop. 

Third, the messiest accidents happened when we weren’t paying attention. But we noticed she’d lay down quietly right before the incidents. She told us when she had to pee, but wasn’t as proactive about poop. 

No wonder everyone was wiped out by the end of Day 2.

Adjusting Our Approach

Now that I better understood why things went so poorly, I outlined a plan for Day 3. 

Prevent the accident before it happens  

Don’t let her out of our sight. Assign shifts and notify each other when a break is needed. Pay attention to her cues. Approach her gently, but swiftly, to go to the bathroom.

What to do when accidents happen 

Stay calm. 

The priority is to get her to the bathroom. Cleaning up can wait. Take a deep breath. Sing a song to keep her distracted.

Once the job is done, discuss the accident with her. Was it scary? Everything is okay now and we’re clean. Accidents happen—that’s how you learn. 

Remind her of the goal. Next time, try to get the poop inside the potty. 

Finally, recognize what she’s already accomplished. You peed 4 times today! 

Have more fun

We also needed to reduce the overall stress. 

We taped a picture of the smiling poop emoji on our bathroom wall. We gave her a break outside on the water table. My husband and I also scheduled walks during our shift breaks.

Implementation and Lessons Learned

The next morning, my husband and I aligned on the plan and our shifts. 

Day 3 took a complete turn. Our daughter peed after breakfast. Then again an hour later, and consistently for the rest of her day. She was acting like herself again. 

She had no accidents, compared to three the day before. She warned us before she had to poop. My husband and I felt more like a team, ready to support our toddler and each other when we needed it. 

Our daughter has been out of diapers for four weeks now, but she still has accidents. We learn something new every day. 

Lesson #1: Potty training is hard 

We read the books (3 Day Potty Training and Good Inside Potty Training) and got advice from fellow parents. And it was still hard. 

We adjusted our approach when things weren’t working. Our toddler is as strong-willed as they come and fiercely independent. Reminding her every 5 minutes to tell us when she needed to potty only backfired. So we planned for occasional bathroom checks, before meals and activities. Otherwise, we let her play without interruptions. 

Remembering that this was new, for everyone, allowed us to approach the process with more empathy, compassion, and understanding. 

Lesson #2: Accept that the process will be messy 

The goal isn’t to avoid all accidents. It’s to minimize them.

Establishing a clear plan for handling the aftermath, both comforting our toddler and cleaning up, would have been far more productive. 

And get comfortable with poop. Our toddler watched as we dumped poop from the diaper into the potty weeks before we started training. Discussing our own attitudes towards poop beforehand would’ve helped. 

Lesson #3: It’s an ongoing process 

Success isn’t just the ability to pee or poop in the toilet. It’s about mastering every step of the process, consistently. 

It certainly didn’t happen for us in three days. 

We continue to think of creative ways to reinforce all steps. like hand washing (foam soap makes it attractive) and pulling up the underwear herself (Simon says!).

Embracing the Mess

Potty training is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done–next to running a marathon and childbirth. But watching my daughter bounce back and grow after that second day made me incredibly proud. 

For parents who are anxious about starting the potty training journey: you’re not alone. Every step forward is worth celebrating. When things get hard, remember that it’s temporary and focus on what you can control: your attitude, reactions, and effort. 

And don’t be afraid of embracing the mess. It could be your biggest learning opportunity.