Radical acceptance turned my postpartum anxiety into empowerment

Introduction

I learned something in therapy the other day that was game-changing: radical acceptance.

First, some context. 

I have two young kids, a 2.5 year old daughter and an 8 month old son. After my first, I had mild anxiety. But after my second, it hit me much harder. 

I’ve always been a mental health advocate. Before becoming a mom, health and wellness played a huge role in my life. I got 8 hours of sleep, exercised regularly, ate clean, and took care of my mental well-being. I’ve benefited from a variety of mental health resources–individual therapy, couples counseling, and peer support groups with other new moms.

But after my son was born, I knew I needed help managing my anxiety. So I started seeing a therapist, and I’m so glad I did. It reminded me how powerful and life-changing professional support can be.

What is postpartum anxiety?

Postpartum Support International defines postpartum anxiety as constant worry, racing thoughts, feelings of dread, and fears that are tough to control. It can show up anytime up to a year after a baby is born. 

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety at 3 months postpartum, mostly driven by sleep deprivation. Thankfully, my daughter started sleeping through the night at 11 weeks old. For my son? It took him eight months. 

The sleep deprivation was consuming me. 

Every morning, I’d let the sleep stats on my smartwatch dictate how I’d feel the rest of the day. I was laser-focused on when I could squeeze in a nap, and when I couldn’t, I’d be extra short with my husband and toddler. 

I tracked every nap and night feed. I took detailed notes on how long it took my baby to fall asleep, desperately trying to find patterns that would improve the situation. 

I refused help from my husband, feeling anxious about maintaining the nighttime routine I had worked so hard to establish. 

I was nervous my son’s cries would wake his older sister up in the middle of the night. 

And when I finally had the chance to sleep, I couldn’t because of all the worrying. 

I was more irritable than usual, I yelled, I avoided social interactions so I could prioritize rest. I just wasn’t myself. 

What is radical acceptance? 

After a couple of therapy sessions, it became clear how much sleep deprivation–and how I was dealing with it–impacted my day-to-day functioning. 

That’s when my therapist told me about radical acceptance. 

She explained the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is the emotional or physical discomfort when things go wrong. Suffering is when we try to avoid or fight the pain–like holding grudges, wishing things were different, and replaying bad moments. 

Radical acceptance is when you allow yourself to feel the pain, without it turning into unnecessary suffering. 

She gave the example of a bride-to-be, devastated by rain on her wedding day. She could stew in the frustration and let it ruin her mood and celebration. Or, she could accept that she can't control the weather and focus on the rare occasion of being with her fiance and loved ones. 

Radical acceptance transformed my mindset 

Here’s how it worked for me:

• Old thought pattern: My baby still isn’t sleeping through the night. It’s not fair–I just want to sleep and feel rested again. 

• Acknowledge reality: Newborn sleep is unpredictable. Getting little sleep is the new norm, for now. Whether or not he falls asleep is beyond my control. 

• Feel the emotions: It’s okay to feel frustrated, exhausted, angry, and even resentful. In fact, it’s healthy to embrace these emotions. 

• Stay present and practice gratitude: As I get ready for bed, I remind myself I can’t change last night or control what happens tonight. I’ll just make the best of it. When my baby cries, I take a deep breath. As I soothe him, I think of three things I’m grateful for – that he’s healthy, I get to bond with him, and that I can kiss his cheek before laying him back down in the crib. 

• Practice self-compassion: I remind myself that anxiety around sleep is so common. I’m doing my best. I’m a good mom. 

• Let go of expectations: I stop comparing my baby’s sleep to my toddler’s. Every baby is different. 

Things aren’t perfect and I still have anxiety. But my mindset and mood have dramatically improved. When my baby cries in the middle of the night, my heart doesn’t race like it used to. Instead, I can approach the moment calmly, knowing I can handle whatever comes next. Even if it means less sleep. 

Radical acceptance is empowering 

It’s not easy to admit how anxious I was and that I needed help, but I’m sharing this so other new moms know they’re not alone. Therapy can be empowering and transformative. 

1 in 5 new moms experience a mental health disorder during pregnancy or after birth. But 75% don’t get the support they need and even more go undiagnosed. 

The word ‘radical’ feels so empowering. Becoming a mom was one of the most life-changing and vulnerable transitions of my life. But during a time when things are chaotic, I’ve learned to focus on what I can control–my mindset, attitude, and how I respond.  

Radical acceptance has become my new mantra, not just for night wakings, but for all kinds of challenges–tantrums, bedtime battles, potty training, sick day calls from day care, or when my husband and I don’t agree on parenting styles. I remind myself that this pain, too, shall pass. 

It’s amazing how much more space that gives me to feel joy each day. 

If you think you have a mental health disorder, contact your Ob/Gyn or Postpartum Support International’s Helpline at 1-800-944-4773.