Transitioning to motherhood: It doesn’t have to be this hard
I’ve always dreamed of becoming a mom.
I had my daughter a week after my 40th birthday and it was the best gift I could have asked for. I’ve waited a long time for her, so I took my postpartum experience seriously. I wanted to enjoy my first year with her and become the mom I wanted to be.
I didn’t realize how tough motherhood would be until I actually lived it. There’s so much that helped my transition.
What helped me get through my postpartum journey
1. My support village
Family and friends helped us get through those first intense and sleep-deprived months. They brought us a week’s worth of home-cooked meals. They took a few morning bottle shifts so my husband and I could sleep in an extra hour. They pointed out life-changing hacks for pumping, swaddling, and soothing my baby to sleep that gave me precious minutes back in my day.
2. Caregiver & childcare support
When I returned to work, my mom and mother-in-law stepped in to watch our daughter full-time. This allowed us to delay the start of day care. It saved us 3 months of day care expenses (the equivalent of more than 3 months of mortgage payments).
Once our daughter started day care, my husband and I could be fully present for our jobs. It improved our mental health. Day care was essential for our daughter’s early social and emotional development.
3. Adequate parental leave & supportive managers
I took 5 months of maternity leave, 2 months unpaid. I was operating in survival mode those first newborn months. So it was only after 3 months, when my daughter’s sleep and feeding schedules stabilized, that I finally felt like I could enjoy my bonding time with her.
My husband’s longer than average paternity leave, 8 weeks, also made a real difference. He gained confidence as a father, forming an early and tight bond with our daughter. He became more involved in caregiving and household responsibilities. His presence gave me space to take care of myself.
We were also incredibly fortunate to have understanding and compassionate managers, which eased our transitions out and back into work. When my husband got COVID, I was able to cancel most meetings to make solo parenting work for 5 days of quarantine. No questions asked.
4. Mental health resources
Joining a peer support group was the best thing I could have done postpartum. The early days of motherhood are isolating, but I felt less alone when I connected weekly with 7 other moms. We talked about our shared experiences. We supported each other through parenting and relationship struggles. We celebrated the wins together.
My husband and I also restarted sessions with our couples therapist. Life after baby was taking a toll on our relationship. I didn’t think he was doing his share of chores. He felt unappreciated for what he was doing. I resented him when he went on a trip with friends and I couldn’t leave the house for more than 3 hours because I had to pump or nurse.
Almost two out of three couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction after having a baby.
Navigating these emotions with a professional created more empathy, patience, and understanding between us. She gave us the tools we needed to repair after moments of rupture. It’s exactly what we needed to strengthen our connection.
5. A career break
Even with all the support we had, I was still feeling burnt out. On average, women spend 18 hours a week on (unpaid) caregiving tasks. The pediatrician visits, researching and buying new baby gear, cleaning bottles, and the list goes on.
I was starting to feel the weight of this, especially when I returned to work. In her first month at day care, my daughter was home sick for 7 out of 20 days. My husband and I had to pull together a tag-team strategy that got us through the work day with a sick infant, which often meant working after hours.
My job was draining and it was impacting how present I could be for my daughter, my partner, and myself. Ultimately, juggling work and the new demands of parenthood became unsustainable. At 9 months postpartum, I decided to leave the corporate world to spend more time with my daughter and get time back for myself.
It doesn’t have to be this hard
My husband and I were extremely privileged. We had a relatively uncomplicated birth. Our daughter didn’t have major health issues. We had financial security and access to valuable support after our daughter was born.
I don’t take any of that for granted. I’m grateful I could be there for my daughter in her first year of life. I’m grateful for investing in myself to become the sturdy mom I wanted to be. In a perfect world, I would wish this for all new moms.
But we are far from that reality.
Having a baby is a gift. It’s also hard work. All new moms deserve the time and space to settle into their first year of motherhood. During my journey, I’ve become much more aware of severe systemic and societal gaps limiting this vision:
Mental health support from our health system: We have a clear path for keeping the baby healthy, but very limited social and emotional support for moms despite the fact that 1 in 5 new moms suffer from a perinatal mood and health disorder (PMHD). Before her 1st birthday, my daughter had 9 well visits with her pediatrician. I had 13 routine prenatal visits throughout my pregnancy. After birth, I received 1 (only 1) postpartum visit with my Ob/Gyn.
Childcare: Childcare is prohibitively expensive and tough to find, forcing many women to leave their jobs, especially single and low-income parents. The U.S. ranks almost last (40th out of 41) of all wealthy countries in childcare support and paid leave. During the pandemic, 45% of mothers left the workforce citing lack of affordable childcare as a main reason.
Parental leave and flexibility at work: The benefits of paid parental leave are extensive. Yet, the United States is the only industrialized nation that does not mandate paid parental leave at the federal level. Parental leave gives new parents the space to adjust to the new demands of parenthood and bond with their baby. Limited time off, especially in those early months for fathers, further exacerbates the gender gap in unpaid household labor in the home.
The motherhood bias at work: Women suffer from a motherhood penalty, the discrimination they experience in the workplace after they have children. They are often perceived as less competent and committed, are passed up for promotions and other professional development opportunities, and receive less pay.
Societal expectations of the ‘ideal’ mother: We need to change the current narrative of motherhood to better support new moms. Motherhood is not martyrdom. Motherhood is not being a perfect mother. Motherhood is not about sacrificing your own wellbeing to take care of everyone else. The more we work to shift this perception, the less guilt, anxiety, and overwhelm new mothers will feel.
A call to action
New moms, especially working moms, aren’t getting the support they need to thrive in their first year postpartum. The lack of a social safety net in the U.S. contributes to parental burnout and new moms are suffering the consequences. It impacts her baby, relationships, wellbeing, and career. It impacts the community and our economy.
The status quo in the U.S. is not working.
We need to improve awareness among around PMHDs and how to diagnose, manage, and treat them — among new moms, their loved ones, and the medical community. The more we talk about it, the less stigma there will be and the faster moms will get the help they need.
We need paid leave and affordable childcare from our employers and governments.
We need systemic change to close these social and structural gaps.
We need to take care of new mothers the way we take care of our babies.
